I’m sure our millennial generation is having more sex than any generation before. Other than the Victorians. They were right dirty buggers!
With ‘Sex Positions of the Week’ in magazines to heaving porn sites with every kink from bondage to ‘Cake Fart’ (DON’T SEARCH FOR IT), we’re overrun with new things to try.
But millennials have a lot more on our minds than what to do in bed this evening, so I put together a handy little guide for when you’re feeling randy but Trump is giving you the hump.
Sounds terrifying but quite easy to set up. Less easy to execute. One partner remains on their back whilst their partner enters from above (similar to missionary but with £250m bonus for the NHS).
Upon climax, the partner ejaculates over the other’s stomach in a ‘Hard Exit’.
AVOCADO ON TOAST
Don’t have sex in this position too much – you might not be able to afford to buy a house. But for us millennials who now have nothing else for breakfast – ensure this position is done solely before 11am.
Do not get it confused with a ‘Boozy Brunch’ as there are different timings (dependant on when Davo finishes his park run).
One partner lies below with arms by their side and legs crossed where the other spreads themselves on top and enters until ripe.
THE BOOZY BRUNCH
Fairly easy to explain, this position is similar to the regular favourite – the 69. The only difference is getting tanked on bottomless Prosecco before chowing down on each other.
Best attempted between 11-3 before the alcohol gets to your bits and they begin to pickle.
THE POKEMON GO
For single millennials, this position has a lot of perks.
On a Saturday night, head out into your local area in search of the best catches. Once you’ve caught a good’un, add them to your Pokedex and get them back to yours.
From behind, he goes in Chariz-hard until you Squirtle.
TWO IN THE MILLENNIAL PINK
It’s not just walls of houses and cafes that fashion bloggers love posing in front of that’s resplendent in this colour. Now it can be your sex life too.
Ask your partner to insert two fingers inside of you and massage away until climax.
Yes it’s just fingering but this is 2017 darling and everything needs a moniker. Except Hilary Clinton.
THE PROPERTY LADDER
The ultimate position for young professionals after a 60 hour work week. Your partner stands upright, without support, whilst you attempt to climb his rung.
Outrageously difficult to get on, unless you’re Northern, but a position your parents would happily tell you is, ‘a piece of piss’.
THE GENDER WAGE GAP
A position that is more favourable, in straight relationships, due to the proportion of male orgasms to female.
The female performs oral on the male, with her body angled as far away from his as possible so that very little stimulation is offered to her.
Once she’s put in all the work and he’s had more than 1 orgasm, he spins her around and fucks her in the ass.
THE STRANGER THINGS
Imagine missionary but in the Upside Down. Lay on your back with your legs closed whilst your partner lays on top with their legs open and Winona Ryder their bits. Mid-way, Hopper over the other side of the bed and continue.
For extra atmosphere, lie back and stare at the ceiling whilst picturing the Demogorgan.
THE INSTAGRAM STORY
This can involve any millennial sex position you fancy however you record yourself from your POV and your partner can only last 30 seconds.
Share publicly with great trepidation. Your Aunt will be able to see.
The best position for when you and your partner have argued over who ate the last of the Nutella or who forgot to take Rocco the pug out for a walk.
Wear sunglasses or goggles that restrict your vision. Climb on top of your partner and look ahead at the wall, projecting an imaginary vision of you actually riding Cillian Murphy as a Peaky Blinder until climax.
One partner lies in front of the other, almost like a traditional spoon, except the partner behind rims the partner in front who is stimulating themselves with their fingers.
After all, all millennials know that bloggers are good with their hands whilst a lot of vloggers talk shit…
“SO THERE WE HAVE IT. ELEVEN POSITIONS FOR YOU AND YOUR MILLENNIAL PARTNER TO TRY THIS WEEK.
WHICH ONE SOUNDS THE MOST APPEALING AND WHICH WILL YOU BE AVOIDING LIKE A QUEUE IN ALDI FOR CANDLES?”